Sapporo, Hokkaido, Japan
As if in a nightmare, Mother looked up to see her bus—the one she had intended to board—departing from under the Sapporo TV Tower. She suddenly realized that the bus she was currently on was not the city bus, en route to suburbs of the city. It had the plush seats of the buses that were used to visit popular tourist sites. After having dropped her nephew off at his elementary school, she was not heading back toward her suburb in the east but southward from the train station, entirely the wrong way. She scolded herself, 「 Doku ni iku no? 」 and one or two passengers looked back to stare at her, dead-eyed, from above their face masks. Mother rummaged through her purse for her phone. She knew Father would be too busy at the hospital to take a call, but she decided he must know.
Father answered first with the formalities. 「 O good wife, how are you? 」Normally, their phone calls would start with a back-and-forth of small talk before the real conversation began. But by now the bus Mother was on was leaving behind the avenue of high-rises and heading for the highway.
「 O my husband, sorry to interrupt you. I know you are busy at the hospital. Sumimasen. I have done the silliest of things. I have gotten on the wrong bus. It is not even a bus that is going in the direction of our house. It is a bus going toward Hoheikyou. 」
「 Eh? Hoheikyou? Nande? 」
Mother could imagine Father’s confusion, as well as his anger, or at least his irritation. She could imagine it scalding his face, even though he was keeping it under control. Mother caught her breath. 「 Sumimasen, hontou ni, sumimasen. How I got on this bus, I don’t know. But I have already paid the ticket. Hontou ni, sumimasen! 」
「 You must be sleepy, ne? Honestly, Hoheikyou is a nice place. There is an onsen there. If you are going in that direction, going to the onsen would be very nice. 」
「 I should be at home preparing for our son’s arrival. 」
「 Go to the onsen. It will be good for you, 」 insisted Father.
「 Really? That is what you think? 」
「 Un. 」
「 O my husband, 」 Mother sighed. 「 Thank you. 」 She paused. 「 You must be busy at work, 」 she added. But before Father could answer, Mother cut him off. 「 We will talk later. Do good work! Mata ne! 」
She felt a warmth inside her, as though Father had surprised her with a bouquet of roses. She smiled deep inside herself. It was good that she had finished the phone call when she had. The bus was almost empty, but all of the other passengers were staring at her, and the bus driver, who had a microphone over his mask, announced in plodding tones, 「 No talking on the phone during the bus ride, please. 」Mother knew his target, so she bowed her head in feigned apology. The bus driver continued his sermon, instructing the passengers on how to wear their seat belts, what stops the bus would make, and which beautiful views they should look forward to. Mother was unable to focus. At first she thought about how greeting the warm waters of the onsen would be. After so many days stuck at home, trying to outwait the pandemic, it would do her good to relax. Then she thought about all of the hurtful things her stubborn sister, Kyoko, had said right before she went to catch the city bus, as well as how her precious little nephew, Daisuke, barely remembered Son, no matter how much she tried to remind him of their time together while they talked on the bus ride to his academy. She remembered how she’d felt right after she had dropped him off, completely lost. But she was unable to remember what thoughts had come between then and the moment she had unwittingly boarded this bus. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know.
They were passing a less-than-remarkable part of Sapporo that could have been her suburb, where the blocks of houses hung on each side of the road like grapevines. She closed her eyes to clear her head. She was picturing Son. She wondered whether he would have gained weight, or completely slimmed down. She wondered whether he would look the same as when he’d left, or would be a completely different person. She had more to wonder about, but was unable to focus. She could feel her lids becoming heavy; she was succumbing to sleep.
The voice of the conductor jolted Mother awake. Apparently they had passed a deer, and he was advising all of the people on the bus to take a picture. Mother rolled her eyes at the clicking and flashing of camera phones. She looked outside, but saw nothing. The world was empty in every direction: no people, no houses – just greenery, the kind that filled the eyes and made one quiver.
「 It is like we are in another country, 」 Mother said to herself aloud.
A woman stood directly beside Mother. Her black freckles gave Mother the impression that she was of a similar age. Her hair, which was cut short into a bob, showed a few remaining waves that must have at one point grown out long and curly. She smiled at Mother as if she had heard what she said, but paid attention to her camera phone. Mother felt a pressure to stare out of the windows like the rest of the tourists, and once the others returned to their seats she continued to gaze at the landscape for lack of anywhere better to place her eyes.
When the bus finally reached its destination, Mother looked for a taxi to take her from the town center to the hot spring.
「 Are you going to the onsen? 」came a voice from over her shoulder. It was the woman with the freckles.
Mother nodded. 「 Un. 」
「 Sharing a taxi would make the ride cheaper kana. 」
「 Sou desu ne? 」 said Mother, who was not sure if it was a safe idea. Given the pandemic, she should take a taxi alone, regardless of the price. At the same time, a part of her felt guilty for taking such an expensive trip, and for no reason, and so she ultimately relented. 「 If it is cheaper to travel together, traveling together is best. 」
The two women found a taxi, and they each paid the driver their share. They did not talk to one another during the ride, and once they reached the onsen Mother made a point of avoiding the woman entirely, strolling a tad quicker than usual until she had cleared the ticket booth and reached the changing room. Between the changing room and the outside corridor leading to the hot spring there was a shower room, in which people sat on small plastic stools and bathed in front of a mirror. Mother rinsed herself, then pushed the soap out of the common dispenser and lathered her body. A European-looking girl had taken a seat beside her. It was rare for foreigners to come to Japan because of the restrictions, so Mother assumed she must have already been living somewhere in Hokkaido. Then again, if she was a local, she obviously didn’t frequent the onsen much, as she was pointing to the shower with confusion. Mother switched her shower head on and then pulled the head out of its place. The girl said, 「 Arigatou, arigatou, 」 and bowed at Mother. With a smile on her face, Mother watched the girl as she showered herself. The color of her nipples was different, as was the color of the hair on the private parts of her body, but otherwise she looked like any other woman. She wanted to ask the girl where she was from and what she was doing in Japan, but Mother’s English was rudimentary, so she stared back into her mirror and focused on her own body.
The rocks outside were shaped like miniature turtles. Wooden huts covered certain areas of the onsen, and a waterwheel transferred water from a pond to the greater spa. The trees that surrounded them were as green as green could be. Had Mother not seen them change color and wither in other seasons, she might have supposed they were plastic. Mother lowered herself into the hot water, removing the towel from her waist and wrapping it around her head in the process. She submerged her entire body and closed her eyes. It felt as if each part of her body was being stretched and sunk into the water. Every muscle was loosening. The water was so hot that she felt her breath heave and her skin pinken. She felt at once incredibly relaxed and completely distracted. She couldn’t help remembering the times she had visited the onsen with Father and Son when Son was small. The two of them would go off together to the men’s section of the bath, and she would spend the whole time worrying that Son, no matter Father’s attentiveness, may at any moment drown. She remembered the times she was tempted to ask to go to the men’s section simply to check up on her son, knowing she never would.
「 Hello again. 」
Mother’s thoughts were interrupted. She looked up and closed her eyes. It was the woman from the taxi, sitting next to Mother in the water. She did not have anything to say to the woman, and she wanted so desperately to return to her memories, but the lady was saying something. Mother lowered herself further into the water and pretended she was too busy relaxing to hear, but then the woman poked her and asked her if she had a health problem. Mother had no choice but to open her eyes, smile politely, and pretend to listen.
「 Today, the weather is warm! 」 the woman said.
Mother replied, 「 It is, desho. 」Some silence passed between them, then Mother went on, 「 The scenery is beautiful, ne? 」
The woman said, 「 Un. Mochiron. 」
There was more silence, and the two women stared into their own separate portions of space. Mother hoped that the woman was beginning to see that they had nothing to talk about and so would go and bother someone else.
「 You came here alone, too, didn’t you? 」 chirped the woman, abruptly.
Mother replied with a simple, 「 Un, 」not wishing to share anything else.
The woman had more to say. 「 I wanted to come with someone, but I don’t have a husband anymore, my children have moved to Tokyo and Fukuoka, and I don’t have many friends. Do you have any friends? 」
Mother once more responded with a simple affirmative. Though, at this point, she felt it would be rude not to ask a question back. She didn’t want to mention the dead husband, and as a woman who felt a lot of anxiety whenever her own son was mentioned, she didn’t want the conversation to go in that direction, either.
The woman piped up again. 「 Do you have siblings? 」
「 Un. 」
「 Is your husband still living? 」
「 Un. 」
The woman stared into the water. The water was bubbling and frothing. Some of the women had their towels on their heads and stared with abandon in whatever direction their imagination was taking them. Others were chatting among themselves – strangers, loved ones, what have you. A little girl was swimming, hopping about like a frog and escaping the cupped embrace of her mother. And in the meantime, this woman Mother was talking to frowned to herself, as if she were going through some small but significant puzzle. 「 If you had someone to come with, 」 she said, finally finding the words, 「 why did you come alone? 」
Mother felt like she was back on that bus with her purse as her only companion. She remembered how, at times, she had feet that did what everyone told them to do. Nevertheless, she knew the answer to that question, and she knew she wasn’t meant to share it with such a stranger. It would do her no favors. But, before she could convince herself to say something simple, she found herself telling the truth. 「 Hontou ni, I did not plan on coming to the onsen today. Every day I take my nephew to school and return home. At home, I do nothing. But my own son, he has returned after many years. He is quarantining in Sapporo now. I have not talked to him. He is not even answering his phone. And when I think about this, I feel upset, like I want to be submerged in water. So, for today, I needed this hot steam, I needed this bath. I needed it, desperately so. 」
The woman’s eyes were wet. So were Mother’s. She had meant to keep all of that private, and now she felt embarrassed. She searched for a polite excuse that would allow her to leave this part of the onsen. Ah, yes, she was someone who suffered from hot flashes, and too much time in hot water might provoke them. The excuse was not only convenient but true.
But before Mother could utter her excuse, the woman spoke up. 「 That is the saddest thing. I am so sorry. 」
In this woman’s words, there was nothing of the formality with which most Japanese women addressed each other. Each and every word was felt, as if drawn from a peculiar type of loneliness only she and Mother understood. Mother found herself deflating once more. Her legs were anchors in the sea. So she told another story instead. 「 I went to Otaru yesterday. You know Otaru, I am sure. The colonial town north of here, famous for its glass. It is nearby. I have been only twice in my life. The first time, I was with my husband and son. We bought a music box. It was green and rectangular. It housed a little girl with pigtails. The girl looked Swiss or German. Whenever the box was opened, it would make the most beautiful music. My son loved it. I knew it was one of the few mementos he loved from that trip. But I do not know where our box went. For years I have been looking for it. It is no longer in the house. And yet, because I know my son would want to see it again, yesterday I went back to Otaru. I went to all of the toy stores, and not one of them had this type of music box. 」 Mother found herself chuckling. 「 They showed me boxes with Miyazaki characters on top. They showed me boxes with Gundam and Pokémon. The assistant acted as if the store had never sold a box like the sort I described. But I am much older than her. It was there. But with my generation, such things disappeared. 」
Mother wondered what else would disappear.
The woman nodded solemnly and said, 「 Loneliness is a difficult thing, ne? The changes all around us are difficult, too. I do not know what I would do if I were you. Hontou ni, muzukashii desu. 」
Mother hadn’t expected her to respond at all. This was Mother’s life and her problems, just like this woman understandably had her own. Nevertheless, the woman suddenly broke out into the biggest smile, and she said, 「 In my opinion, your son coming home, it is a nice thing. It is a very good thing, in fact. If my son came home, I would be very happy! I think you should throw a party for him. A party would be very nice, hontou ni. 」
Mother did not feel like this was a good idea. Mother had always been a social person, but these past few days, the idea of being surrounded by friends and acquaintances asking her all sorts of questions intimidated her. And yet, perhaps due to some mysterious effect of the hot water, the very moment that this anxiety took hold of her, it released.
「 Actually, a party would be nice, 」 she said, nodding to herself.
The woman nodded too, which made Mother smile. It was a smile that came rarely to a Japanese woman, full of teeth, full of warmth. The woman smiled back. Mother sank down to her neck in the hot water, and let go. She let herself and the water be one.